Our journey started after our wedding in Sept 2013 when we stopped trying not to get pregnant and were open to seeing what happened. I was very lucky and fell pregnant 2 months later, however about 5 days after taking the positive pregnancy test I had an early miscarriage. It felt sad and emotional, and confirmed for me just how much I wanted to become a mum, but I coped well at that stage and we both started taking trying to conceive (TTC) more seriously, looking at our diet and health, supplements etc. and getting fit and healthy.
We tried again about 3 months later and I fell pregnant again straight away but the same thing happened – about a week after the positive test I miscarried again. I remember it starting while I was doing a practice visit in Liverpool and then I was heading onto BSAVA Congress. I knew what was happening but just felt I had to carry on. I remember that evening staying in at my hotel, alone and away from home and desperately sad and listening to everyone else heading out excitedly to hang out and catch up. I just wanted to be back home with my husband and felt a bit worried it had happened again.
This time we didn’t wait and I was lucky enough to fall pregnant again immediately. After holding my breath for the first 7 days, we got through and this time it seemed to stick. I had the odd bit of spotting every now and then. I tried not to worry, but at our 12 week scan I was not too surprised to discover we’d had a missed miscarriage. I elected for surgical management so they could send some tissue off for assessment and we had some karyotyping bloods run. The tissue sample came back as a molar pregnancy which was scary. We were following the protocol for that for a few weeks until a second pathologist reviewed the sample and decided it was incorrect.
After the third episode we were emotionally somewhat bruised and battered as you’d expect. We were also starting to face the fact that our path may be destined for us not to be parents potentially as we weren’t planning to consider assisted fertility or adoption. So at that point we stopped actively TTC, worked on healing and possible acceptance of a different future and I had lots of acupuncture to rebalance my body and hormones. Very luckily we then fell pregnant again in the October of that year and this time made it to term for which I am so incredibly grateful and never take for granted, even on my toughest parenting days.
We muddled through our first couple of years parenting as you do, and decided to try again when she was 2, towards the end of 2017. I fell pregnant once more but sadly we had another missed miscarriage. This time it was a bit more challenging and I ended up in A&E in the middle of the night and then theatre when they couldn’t stop the bleeding and my blood pressure was getting dangerously low. That was scary for Kyle, and took some time for both of us to recover from the emotional impact of the loss plus the traumatic way it happened.
At that point, both being 42 as well, we decided that for us the right thing felt like agreeing to stop, and to really focus on what we had and how joyful our life is. We had room in our hearts for another soul and it would have been lovely, and yet we didn’t feel incomplete with what we had either. Kyle had a vasectomy last year as for us we needed to know that decision had been definitively made to help us let go and move on.
I still feel wistful and sad and get womb-ache each month when my body wants me to get pregnant and letting go is still a work in progress, but it is getting gradually easier. My heart goes out to each and every person who is navigating their own journey in this area.